Dear Laura,

I am a newly divorced, 38 year old woman and have 3 kids, ages 13, 11 and 9. When my kids are with their Dad I end up just sitting at home instead of going out. I really do want to get on with my life and have fun. But I am really shy. I have gained weight, have low energy and even my skin isn't what it used to be. Do you have any suggestions for me?

Thanks.

Aida A. in Pennsylvania



Dear Aida,

Alrighty then. Well Aida, I am not exactly THE expert in not being shy because I actually am. Yes. Go figure. I have been in media for a long time, radio, TV, speaking and more but throw me into a situation where I am actually supposed to talk to people I don't know, like at a party or if I am out with friends and I am coaxed to speak to stranger, I freeze. I can certainly identify with having to deal with shyness. Even my daughter, who is sixteen, was absolutely beside herself when, a few years ago, we were at our local Whole Foods and a really handsome and friendly looking fellow was trying to get my attention. What did I do? I avoided making eye contact and scurried out of the store with my daughter asking me if I was out of my mind! Since then, after hearing my daughter tell the story over and over again to friends and family, I have attempted to conquer this perplexing "condition". In doing so, I have found a few tips to be helpful which you might find beneficial as well.

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A study conducted at the UK's Bath University concluded that people who have a problem with acne are less likely to excel in sports or other physical activities. It's not because of any lack of ability, it's strictly because acne can affect someone's self esteem to a point that they will avoid signing up for sports. The study followed 50 adults who were part of an acne support group.

I wasn't at all surprised to read this. In my opinion it's not a result of the acne necessarily, but a result of the reduced self esteem. (Which, for those included in the study, was largely a result of their acne.) Other triggers for self esteem issues -- obesity, etc -- can also be cited as the reason for not joining sports or working out. Whatever the impetus, it's unfortunate that anyone sidelines themselves because of social anxiety.

How about you? Have you ever had a problem that made you nervous about joining a sport?

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Shyness is something that affects many people. And while it doesn't seem like a big deal to extroverts to enter a room filled with people, for shy people, it is terrifying. I know because I've struggled with shyness my whole life. And while I don't know that shy people can ever be completely cured of their social anxiety (I know I still get the sweats when I have to face a crowd,) you can learn to overcome shyness. Here are some suggestions from eDiets:

• Change your focus: Don't become obsessed with what negative things people are saying or thinking about you -- think about things you like about yourself.
  
• Become familiar: We're most shy when we're in unfamiliar surroundings or with new people. Next time you have a blind date or go to a party, bring a friend.
  
• Take small steps: Make small conversations daily, and work your way up to long ones
• Shift blame: Don't blame yourself when things go awry. Blame the situation and move on.
  
• Plan ahead: Think of questions to ask or topics to bring up.
  

Speaking as a shy person, I've done all of these things and they work ... with practice. What do you think?

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I spent the better part of my childhood hanging back from people I didn't know and blushing at the slightest comment. I certainly don't look back at the young version of myself and see anything remotely threatening. Researchers, however, are starting to question a possible link between school shootings and a certain form of shyness.

Cynical shyness is a term given to a subclass of shy people. It affects mostly males. In addition to the typical anxieties people who are shy feel, those with cynical shyness also harbor anger or hostility to those that they perceive as rejecting them. The lead author of the study explained that people with this attitude often develop a feeling of everyone being against them and they become a "cult of one." The possibility of a connection is important because it could lead to identifying kids who could potentially become violent without early intervention.

Researchers are quick to point out that shyness is not necessarily a bad thing and all kids who are shy should not be singled out and perceived as threats. On a cynically shy scale of 10, some of the kids who have committed shootings at school and/or home have rated at least 6 or higher.

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I'm painstakingly shy, and have been throughout my life. The thought of making small talk with strangers is enough to make me hyperventilate into a paper bag, but I do it anyway, because we live in a social world and hiding from it is no way to live. It usually angers a shy person when you tell them to 'get over it', but that really is the only way work against your shyness.

Here are some tips for overcoming social anxiety:

• Instead of focusing on yourself and how uncomfortable you feel, focus on someone else and creating positive interactions with them. And remember that it's not all about you; while you might feel like everyone is watching you and judging you, they're probably not
• Immerse yourself in social situations. Volunteering is a great idea -- you'll see the same people over and over again, and will learn to be comfortable around them
• Look up and make eye contact with people when you pass them on the street or in the hallway

How do you put your social anxiety behind you?

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Life can be difficult for those who aren't confident in social situations. Not only does being shy make it difficult to make friends and form romantic relationships, but it can also hinder your professional ambitions.

It used to be that overcoming your self-conscious tendencies took hard work, determination, and lots of practice -- but a new nasal spray from researchers at the University of Zurich might change all that. Apparently self-confidence is as easy as a squirt up the nose.

The spray is based on a hormone called oxytocin, which is a neurotransmitter in the brain involved with social recognition and bonding. When researchers gave a synthetic version of the hormone to 70 adults in a recent study, they saw "dramatic" results -- as all participants reportedly ceased to feel anxious, and engaged more readily with others.

Because the initial study group was so small, the drug will need to be tested on a larger number of people before it's ready for the market. But, if all goes well, you could be using quick-fix self-confidence booster within the next 5 years.

[via Gizmodo]

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One of my favorite things about the holidays is the endless array of parties and family get-togethers. I love chatting and socializing and seeing people I might not see much during the year. But for someone who is really shy, these parties and gatherings are something to be feared, and they only add to the stress of the season.

But there is help for shy people during the holidays. According to this, a little preparation can help someone who gets anxious over social interaction find things to talk about with others. It doesn't always have to be stressful to socialize, and it's important to see parties as fun and not painful.

The only way to get over being shy is to force yourself to get out and mingle. I know from experience -- I used to be painfully shy. But nowadays people are quite surprised when I insist that I am actually a shy person. They don't believe me, because I've spent a lot of time forcing myself to make small talk and now I am used to it. If you're shy, I would recommend doing what I did. And trust me, it does get easier to face people over time.

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