Christiane Traded Drug Use and Eating Disorders For A Healthy Lifestyle

By Christiane Wells
As a child in elementary and middle school, I wasn't grossly overweight, but I wasn't thin, either. I was chubby and hated the way I looked in my clothes. My weight turned me into a natural tomboy and would end up shaping much of the way I dressed and presented myself to the world for years.

I liked the way that boys' clothes fit compared to girls' clothes, because they weren't fitted and didn't accentuate my flabby areas. Just the opposite -- they were large and I could hide in them. As a kid I fluctuated from periods of intense anxiety and shame about my appearance to times when I completely ignored it and pretended everything was fine.

As a teenager I tried off and on to diet, but it was difficult because dieting takes effort, and I wasn't motivated enough. I loved food and didn't care to deprive myself of it. Certain things had become crystal clear by high school -- I liked boys, but they didn't like me, except as a friend, and I adjusted to that status instead of trying to improve how I looked.

I can't be the only person who has struggled with the issue of being terrified of rejection socially, and I didn't think pursuing a boyfriend would lead to anything but heartache. So I shelved those feelings. I had a ton of friends and a happy, healthy social life. Sure, I was fat and people weren't really sure what I was all about, but since it wasn't bothering me, it wasn't bothering them.

It didn't seem easily fixable. My friends and I were constantly eating at restaurants all over our hometown and in New Haven, just a few minutes down the highway. But I was always the fat one. The only thing to do was push that out of my mind and not let it get in the way of my good time.

Away at college, across the country, nothing changed. I continued dressing in men's clothing, ate what I wanted and lots of it, and accepted my lot as the girl who'd never date.

A point came, in my early 20s, that I realized drugs were the answer to weight loss. Stimulants like cocaine were helping me lose weight, and it felt fantastic. Within a few months, men were actually hitting on me! It was amazing, but it wouldn't last. Medication for bipolar disorder helped the weight pack on again in no time.

Weight gain never felt like a gradual process. It seemed like one day I was relatively slim, and then before I knew it, I was grossly overweight. No longer on the border, I was nearly 100 pounds overweight by the time I was 24-years-old. It was completely demoralizing, but in my depression I had zero motivation to change my eating habits or my sedentary lifestyle (I spent an alarming amount of time in bed each day).

I had an epiphany. Eating disorders were the answer, and I chose to practice bulimia. When this wasn't enough, I added anorexia and starved myself. That was more effective, but adding cocaine and methamphetamine sealed it and I lost about 80 pounds and felt great (except for the drugs and constant vomiting).

A couple years later, I met my husband after I'd stopped starving myself and using drugs, but I was still bulimic. I started gaining weight back and before I knew it, my weight had caused problems in our relationship. I wasn't as attractive any more, but I wanted to be. Did I want it enough to make real changes? I did, and I tried some measures such as getting into an exercise routine, changing my diet (without giving much thought to what healthy eating meant), and I stopped the bulimia because that clearly didn't work.

The struggle continued for the next decade, but after I gave birth to my son, I miraculously lost 35 pounds and looked great. I hoped it would last, but in my postpartum depression, I ate poorly and the weight came back. My diet was atrocious -- frozen meals, meals at restaurants, desserts every night, candy, coupled with no exercise.

Last year my husband was fed up with his own weight, and he began to change the way he ate and lived. He was exercising and choosing healthier food. Meanwhile, I ballooned to the highest weight of my life. By January 2011, I had to make a change, and I joined him in the effort to be healthy.

Going on a diet wasn't the answer. A whole lifestyle change was in order, and that's what we did in our home. We both tracked every meal we ate, as well as what we drank and how much we exercised. I began to cook our meals from scratch and dumped all the heavily processed foods that had filled our cabinets and pantry.

We stopped eating at restaurants or getting food delivered several times per week. I've fallen in love with cooking, and found a new way of loving food that is healthy and satisfying. We eat well now, we have delicious dinners with quality ingredients, and it's actually fun. Cooking is a creative, relaxing endeavor, and it motivated me to begin a garden for the first time. I'm naturally becoming more active. I've lost 34 pounds in just over three months by making basic changes to my lifestyle, and it hasn't been difficult.

It's so simple that I feel like a fool for not trying it years ago. We hope to raise our son with a love of quality, real food that is whole and nutritious. It's been an amazing transformation for our family, as well as me personally, and I can't see us ever going back.

Christiane Wells, MSW, is the author of Magical Shrinking: Stumbling Through Bipolar Disorder and No Guarantees: A Young Woman's Struggle to Overcome Drug and Alcohol Addiction. She lives in Highlands Ranch, Colorado, with her husband and son. Read her blog on Red Room.