Dealing with Grief

I'm going to go "off topic" for today. I hope you don't mind. I just need to talk this out.

About two years ago, my family decided that we would go through the training process to be foster parents. We did this with the idea that we would like to adopt a child. We didn't really want to be foster parents, because we thought it would be too hard to care for a child and then have to give it back. But we thought adoption would be good. And we could help a child that needed us.

Approximately five months ago, we were given our child. They brought him to us saying that in a few months his parents' rights would be terminated. We were so excited! He immediately fit right in to our family. We loved him and cared for him like he was our own, because he was! It felt like he was always there - like he'd always been a part of our family.

On Tuesday, they took him away.

It seems that the lawyers found a loophole. Some mistake in the paperwork. They called us last week and told us to be prepared to say goodbye soon. We tried everything we could, but there was nothing to be done. On Tuesday, they came to take him back to his parents and now he's gone.

We immediately ran. We packed a bag and got a hotel room in town just to get out of the house. We went shopping, we went out to eat, we just got away. All the while I'm catching myself wondering where he is. Wondering what he's doing. Seeing something and thinking that he would like that, or how he would react to seeing this.

Does he think I don't love him anymore? Does he think I deserted him when I wasn't there to rock him to sleep last night. Can he sleep in a strange bed? Do they know when he likes to nap, or what he likes to eat?

His stuff is all over the house. Soon I'll have to dismantle his bed. I'll half to get his car seat out of my car. I don't want to think about it right now.

The phone is ringing, but I don't want to answer it. I don't want to talk. Sometimes when it rings I wonder if it's the case worker calling to tell us that they don't want him anymore. That she's bringing him back to us.

But it's not. It never is.

The good news is that he's gone back on a monitored return. They'll be checked on from time to time to see if they are doing what they said they'd do, to make sure they're not mistreating him. If they hurt him or neglect him in any way, then he'll be removed again. I don't want him hurt, but I don't want him to have to remain in a dangerous situation.

I'm sure some of you have lost children before. Maybe an accident, or an illness. Or a soldier lost to war. And I'm not trying to say that this compares with that. But I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm confused.

How does this affect my healthy living? I don't know. Don't care. During this grieving period, I've eaten some things I shouldn't. I haven't been to the gym. I went to the gym on Tuesday morning - the morning he was scheduled to leave - but I didn't have it. I just sat on the bike and peddled trying not to cry.

We'll be fine. We'll get back on track. But today it hurts. It just hurts.