At Peace With the Slim Pickings

Posted on Feb 10th 2010 4:00PM by Karla Carrington

Filed Under: The Good, The Fat and The Hungry

karla carrington now Sometimes I feel like an alien because I'm 40 years old with no husband and no children.

As another Valentine's Day approaches, I am single with little to no serious prospects, but am financially sound, emotionally healthy and looking better than I ever have in my life. I'm dating pretty regularly, but can't remember the last guy I actually wanted to see for a second date. I've tried online dating, offline dating and dating after meeting in a line, but all to no avail. To be quite honest, most of the men I meet just aren't up to par.

And apparently, I'm not the only black woman in this position. ABC's Nightline did a segment called "Single, Black, Female and Plenty of Company." I watched this segment intently as four successful single black women much like myself all shared similar stories of slim pickings of compatible mates. In a nutshell, black women are just not getting married as much as white women. The stats speak for themselves: TheFrisky.com reports that 42 percent of African American women have never been married compared to 21 percent of white women. That is DOUBLE people!

Think this applies to just the everyday black chick? Think again. "Let's Talk About Pep" is a new black reality show on VH1 akin to "Sex and the City." Pepa, of famed hip hop group Salt & Pepa, is in search of love alongside three of her best girlfriends. All are successful, financially secure and excel in their respective arenas. Even for this fab group, the pickings are slim. Pep has been celibate for four years in search of Mr. Right. I admire her strength, but that's a long time!

This is not to say that I don't have a guy, because I do. He's 25 years old with a body so hard you could bounce a quarter off it. In fact, I have. He keeps me laughing and we always have a good time. He's content to be at home or on the dance floor as long as it's with me. He is well read and incredibly mature for his age. On some level I love him. But who am I kidding. As much as I enjoy what we have, I know I could never see him as my husband, nor the father of my children. Quite simply, he's just too young for me. I would only feel as if I am holding him back and everyone certainly deserves both the joy and pain that youth offers. I asked him once would he still hold my hand when I'm 80 and he's 65. Being the sweetheart that he is, his response was, "Girl, I would not only hold your hand but I'd slap you on the booty too! All the old ladies in the home would be jealous." He's a great guy, it's great fun -- but I'm not Demi and he's not Ashton.

The strangest part of all of this is that most of what I feel is external. My siblings are all waiting for me to marry and have children. So are most of my married friends. And although I want marriage and children I'm content to have just what I have today for just a little bit longer. It amazes me how many men mention where the hands are on my biological clock when I go out on dates. If they really understood me, they would know that my focus is on the maker of the clock, God -- and not the clock itself.

In its own way it's comforting to know that I am not the only one feeling like an alien because of my status. My only hope is that the other aliens are having as much fun on their planet as I am having on mine. The things that are meant for me will come but I can't mope around about it. Until then all I can do is live and live well.

26 Comment

Tags: the-good-the-fat, valentines day, ValentinesDay

Around the Web

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

Messa 2-12-2010 @ 2:37PM

Translation: "I want a Green Card."

SpiderHeinlein Fan 2-12-2010 @ 3:28PM

Maybe you are being too picky when it comes to finding a spouse. Or possibly you're so self-absorbed that you aren't willing to compromise for the sake of a relationship. Keep looking for absolute perfection, and you may very well die lonely and bitter. Until you figure out that a relationship is a lot of give and only a little take, and you start living for a significant other instead of yourself you'll be much happier. But you have to grow up. (Emotionally and mentally.) The sad thing is you've already had the time (in years) to figure this out. Being stubborn, selfish, and unwavering by seeking to fulfill only your own wants and needs is what leads people to where you are. I like how you wrote in a tone that made it sound like other people's fault you're in this situation. Unfortunately, the only people who will fall for it are those who have the same problem as you. Sorry girl, you're caught in a self-perpetuating downward spiral. Being overly proud is not being overly wise. These two things often share an inverse relationship.

peachcatcopy 2-12-2010 @ 6:51PM

How annoying. The woman reports the truth of her life, and someone has to blame her, as if she has done something wrong. She has the wrong attitude or her standards are too high or she's too much of something or not enough of something. Truly, would you say that to your own daughter, or would you tell her to just marry the next warm body that comes along? Truth be told, men who aren't emotionally or sexually mature for the long haul of marriage comprise way too much of the dating pool. I applaud this woman for not settling, resulting in a bad marriage and miserable children. To those who judge her: look at the divorce statistics, the fallout of broken families, then grow the hell up.

Blahblahblah 2-12-2010 @ 4:22PM

She's allowed to be picky. It's the rest of her life she's going to spend with them.
That's not overly proud, it's confident with who you are and more people should be that.
Who says you need a man to be happy? From the high divorce rates and arguments of infidelity and kids, maybe she took the smarter route being more choosy about who she wants to be with. It's a new century with women's rights and no one needs to rely on a man to feel happy. Good for this woman for not settling.

SpiderHeinlein Fan 2-12-2010 @ 4:49PM

All you did was prove my point. Lonely and BITTER.

Blahblahblah 2-12-2010 @ 5:10PM

Um no, actually.
What I'm saying is that she doesn't need some guy to be financially, emotionally, or physically stable. This is 2010, no one should still be stuck in the sexist views of the 1900's. She's perfectly indepedent and happy being so. Valentine's Day is a great holiday to celebrate relationships and the one you love although it's turned into a time when people are just pressuring women who have chosen careers, independence, and themselves over children and marriage. This woman isn't succombing to the pressure and I think that's something to be very proud of. She's not giving up her morals just to settle with someone who may not share the same qualities as her. It's people like YOU who make people get married and have babies at young ages. Some of it may be an actual belief of love and eternal companionship, others it's because of the fear instilled in them by older people that if they don't meet "The One" or have lots of beautiful babies, they are just going to be bitter and lonely. Not everyone is going to choose the same path as you, that doesn't make them bitter or lonely. Step out of the past, seriously.

SpiderHeinlein Fan 2-12-2010 @ 5:35PM

I didn't say anything about a man. I said significant other. You're sexist.

Blahblahblah 2-12-2010 @ 5:49PM

Wow by this point it's becoming very apparent that you're an idiot.
In this case, a man is her significant other. If that's your only defense, and calling me what I already know you are, then please stop now before you look even more stupid. If you'd like to actually talk about this maturely, then please, go ahead.

SpiderHeinlein Fan 2-12-2010 @ 6:03PM

Bitter again. No wonder you're alone. Stop letting your anger take over. Maybe try being happy eh? Insulting me won't make your life any better. Gotta roll. No time for your ignorant junk.

Blahblahblah 2-12-2010 @ 6:27PM

Awh you just keep proving my point. Hate to break it to you sweetie, but I'm NOT alone. I have a guy who I don't need to depend on at all for anything, he doesn't complete who I am. He can stay or go, I had a life before him and I'll surely be able to have one after him. Now go back to relying on some boy you forced to marry you because you were too afraid of being alone and mocked by those people that pressured you into it. The boy who you chose to have kids with, not because you were ready to but because you were afraid that if you didn't, your conservative parents and friends would pity you. Tell me how it feels 10 years from now when you don't love him and you're only sticking with him to feel better about yourself. Buhbye. :)

wildfire247 2-17-2010 @ 11:20AM

The women in this story is not happy. She is full of it!!! I can only mustard up enough energy to read two paragraphs...sheesh. It was like sitting threw a bad sequel.Ugh same old excuses why shes alone...like your name blahblahblah.She choose that route of being alone!!Like Dr Phil said "How's that workin for ya?". No you dont need a man to be happy. You should be happy with yourself first. Then you can entertain a healthy relationship. Only thing this women is doing is placing blame. She chose the financial route kudous to her. Im sure in her financial climb she had to make a few compromise's. A little give and take. If she put the same effort out there for her love life, she would'nt be having this problem.Im thirty years old,been married for eleven beautiful years fyi im black hubby black. I get so tired of hearing how lucky i am, like i hit the lottery?? We kept it simple from day one. He liked what he saw and so did i.We didn't over analyze each other, we just let nature take its course. Breathe, it's not that serious have fun loosen up =) and see where it will take you.

YoFrankeee 2-12-2010 @ 4:29PM

Sounds like this bitch is too impressed with HERSELF to even consider seeing a man for a second date. So what? Just because her sexual organs are going to dry up and rot because she's a snob doesn't mean everyone else feels the same. I'm alone, don't date, and happy with that choice, primarily because of women who think like this woman does. That no matter how successful the man is, no matter how well-educated, well-mannered, or even if he has a great personality or sense of humor, this person sounds like the type who will nit-pick every man she meets, trying to find a way to "improve" him, to make him worthy of her image. Get real!!

Penny Loken-Evans 2-12-2010 @ 4:33PM

I was still single @ 26, my sister, cousins and friends all married by 22 yrs. I was told I didn't always have to go out with the best looking guys. I had no luck with guys my age or older, so I went younger! I'm a nurse/lifeguard and @ 27 I married a 20 old guy who was very mature. He was military and after college, he's a mech engineer and works on satellites! Now my cousin reminds me continuously of our age difference but my husband says he'll chase me around even if it's just in his mind. Give the younger guys, with good work ethic and drive a chance!! be open to all races

SpiderHeinlein Fan 2-12-2010 @ 5:41PM

And yes, I'm married. To someone who, just like me, doesn't want kids. I respect anyone that doesn't feel the need to breed. However, don't make sweeping generalizations about men. They aren't all the same, but they are commonly portrayed as being so. This is the definition of sexism.

shanz 2-12-2010 @ 9:11PM

Sounds like a lot of you are jealous of her happiness and general ambivalence towards men. Why is it when a woman is single and successful at 40, she is called lonely and bitter, but when it's a man, he is considered fairly well-off? You go girl! And if you really feel like it, give it a shot with the 25-year old. He sounds hot!

Blahblahblah 2-12-2010 @ 6:32PM

Okay I just read that. I'm not making sweeping generalizations about men at all. You were the one judging a woman because she chose not to settle for any guy that comes along. It's very apparent how ignorant you are on this subject, especially considering you're from the side that only listens to what society tells them is right. Please, don't bother responding again, you are looking more and more pathetic the more comments you make. Me? I'm not an angry person at all. I just stick up for what I believe is right and I'm tired of young girls listening to people like you on topics such as these. Thank you, have a lovely day.

Moongrim 2-12-2010 @ 6:46PM

Most women choose to marry upwards. Since the writer of this article is so darned successful, she feels no need to date the losers that surround her.

One problem, there are just so many 'even more' successful men to go around. And usually they're already married.

If she truly wants a mate, she's gonna have to settle for less than Bill Gates.

NotRodneyKing 2-16-2010 @ 8:16PM

Spider and blahblahblah, I think you both have good points. I just don't see why you need to attack each other to make them. Intelligent, free-thinking, mature and open-minded adults should be able to dialogue without insulting one another. That said, I tend to lean more toward spider's point. I am married and have been for 22 years. I am a strong black man who knows how to love a strong black woman. I've managed to raise a young, well educated and equally strong black young man and young woman. I married someone with whom many of my family and friends said I was not very compatible, and we're very happy in our relationship and we've made it last. Spider's right! Nobody's perfect and you're never going to check all the boxes! You've got to be willing to accept a potential good partner--flaws and all! I can't say I've ever read one fairy tale that included sporadic flat conversations, extreme differences of opinion, disagreements about whatever, etc. If she's truly happy, I don't see why she needs to tell people she doesn't know. If she's not, she might want to consider sound advice from someone who's lived long enough to know what they're talking about!

casswellD 2-13-2010 @ 8:57PM

Everyone is society makes generalizations and exercises a degree of bigotry based on a label and stereotype, as opposed to the reality of individualism. You are forecasting the future and transferring all of society's ideas about "old" and "young" and "male" and "female" without realizing it. When you speak of the 26 year old in your life - you sound joyous, relaxed, happy, and in love. Drop the ageism - it is as evil and insidious as racism - making a pre-judgment about an individual human based on the year they happened to be born in. There's lots of 40 and 50 year old guys who refuse to learn or mature. The answre is...your partner. Allow yourself to enjoy the relationship.

Bruce 2-14-2010 @ 7:52PM

This is lame. What does this have to do with fitness? I though this was AOL Health and Fitness, not some woman's personal story about her dating life. Come on editors.

| 1 | 2 | Most Recent | Next 20 Comments