Heavy on My Mind

I have lived between two extremes, and I am not quite sure which side is worse. I was morbidly obese, and all I could think about were ideas for getting thin and what my life would be like without the excess baggage. I didn't always act on those ideas, but I can't ever remember a day when my excessive weight didn't (literally) weigh heavily on my mind. Having finally lost the weight, my place today is quite different, but strangely, it resembles my past life. Now that I've lost the weight, I live in constant fear of gaining it back. It's really a senseless fear for the most part, I do OK with my diet and fitness and have not had more than a 2- to 3-pound variance since my gastric bypass surgery in January 2006.

Still, I wonder if it's more worrisome to be fat already or to be thin and fear fat daily. I recognize that any pluses or minuses I experience on the scale are directly related to my decisions. However, it is my thoughts that inform my decision-making process. As an extremist, it can be difficult to find a happy medium, but with something as delicate and significant as my weight, I must. Living in fear is not an option.

I am acquainted with someone who had gastric bypass surgery and then became anorexic after losing the weight. She'd had several skin-removal surgeries and could have easily been a model. After the onset of her eating disorder, she could easily be the spokesperson for anorexia nervosa -- she is all skin and bones. Even though she is extremely thin, she believes that she is still obese, so she exercises a lot and eats very little. I think she is a serious example of extremism at its finest, and she illustrates how imbalance can be near fatal.

When it comes to me, anorexia can relax. It ranks right up there with pork, so no fear of me touching it either. Although not anorexic, I am sure that I'm experiencing something because I am obsessed with the thought of re-gaining the weight. It has become an innate fear that manifests itself in many different ways. Sometimes I eat too little, but then there are times when the same fear leads me to binge. It's a very tricky situation.

Here's how I try to maintain balance. I have added some "do nots" to my diet. After journaling and recognizing my pitfalls, I've instituted one "don't" at a time to help me stay on track.

Don't No. 1: I don't drink anything but water until my eight glasses are in. This helps me avoid extra calories in other juices and drinks and ensures that I have my full water intake.

Don't No. 2: I don't eat white bread. I try not to eat a lot of bread at all, but if I do, it has to be whole wheat when out, and at home, it's whole wheat with double fiber.

Don't No. 3: I don't start my day without all of my vitamins. As a gastric bypass patient, this is critical. I take a daily multivitamin, omega-3, B-12, iron and calcium citrate. When I miss this step, I can feel the difference.

Don't No. 4: I don't care what others think. My focus is on my own personal goals and meeting them as I've set. Although open to input, the weight is mine alone to lose or gain.

These are not scientific but practical things that are working for me. I've got far too many other things to think about, and being obese again is just not one of them. "For as a man thinketh, so is he..." Proverbs 23:7a. Hence, I think I'm staying right here, fit as a fiddle.

What works for you? How do you keep it balanced without overdoing or underdoing the necessary things?