That's Fit

Being Life Fit is about your total health, including the health of all of your relationships. Life Fit is a journey, not a destination. It is a process of continuous growth: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Check in each Tuesday to Life Fit with Laura Lewis, author of "52 Ways To A Healthy You," as we explore our total life fitness. Then, weigh in with your own thoughts over at Laura's "Life Fit Chat" each Wednesday and Thursday for further discussion on the week's topic. Or check out "Ask Laura" every Friday for answers! For more information visit Laura at www.LauraLewis.com.

Let's face it ... we live in an egocentric world. Remember in the movie, Beaches (OK I am dating myself), when Bette Midler says, "Oh, enough about me. What do you think about me?" We now know that Bette Midler's character was suffering from a serious case of empathy deficit disorder. And gawd knows the illustrious and beautiful Rhett Butler was knee deep in EDD when he flippantly told the distraught Scarlet, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." Empathy -- the ability to understand and share in another's feelings -- is something we either do or do not learn as children. The way our parents reacted to our childhood responses to whatever life threw our way molds our ability to connect with others in sharing in their pain and their happiness. When you fell down, scratched your knee, and broke the head off your most beloved doll, did your parent cradle and console you in the pain of your loss, or did they say, "Buck-up kiddo it's gonna get a whole lot worse than that!"? Think back and then take a close look at how you respond to those you care about.

New York psychologist Frank M. Lachmann, Ph.D., author of Transforming Narcissism: Reflections on Empathy, Humor, and Expectations, explains that many of the common responses to the pain, suffering, or loss that others experience are intended to help but can be very cruel and dismissive. A friend of mine who is experiencing a devastating divorce was told by someone she cared about that she needed to just "snap out of it" ... IT being the grief she was experiencing over the betrayal and loss of her husband of 20 years and father of her children. What was mostly intended as words of encouragement made her feel isolated, humiliated, and further shamed for expressing her sorrow. Dr. Lachmann explains that dismissive remarks are experienced as a rejection and denial of what the other person is experiencing. He says, "They are code for 'Don't confront me with things that are unpleasant, or 'Don't bother me with your pain.'"

We all -- at least those of us who peruse That's Fit on a regular basis -- are interested in living a fit life. I believe a discussion on emotional fitness and our own personal degree of empathy should be examined as closely as we examine our physical fitness. So, how do we start living a more empathetic life? For starters, pay attention to the "humanness" of us all. Just as important as giving a homeless person money or food is to also give that person a kind smile, a conversation, a pleasant ... "How are you today?" ... just like we would with anyone else. Listen. Put ourselves in the person's shoes and imagine what they are experiencing. Ask the question ... How does that make you feel? Honor and respect what others may be going through. And when we find ourselves slipping knee deep into EDD, be big enough to pull out of it with a simple apology and willingness to acknowledge the lack of empathy.