Ask Laura! Should I Cheat On My Spouse?
Life Fitness is a process of continuous growth: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Need motivation and guidance to facilitate positive changes in your life? Ask Life Fit Expert LauraDear Laura,
My husband and I have been married for seven years. When we were dating, and even early in our marriage, we laughed a lot, spent time together and had a great sex life. Now? We cross paths in the hallway, argue all the time and never have sex. Honestly, it has been over a year since we made love. Lately, I have been thinking that if an opportunity for an affair came into my life, I just might act on it. At first it was just a fantasy, but a co-worker of mine has been taking an interest in me. When we are together (lunch and happy hour), I feel like I am with my husband again ... the guy I married ... not the guy I pass in the hallway. Should I pursue this relationship? Is it really that wrong to have an affair?
Thank you for any advice you might have for me.
R.J., Irving, Texas
Dear R.J.,
This is a tough one because I do not believe there are many absolutes in this world. What may be right for someone, may not be right for someone else. The most important thing is that your behavior is always in alignment with your core values. So ask yourself, "Do YOU think you should pursue this relationship?"
You may also want to ask yourself, "What am I really trying to achieve by doing this behavior?" The answer is probably not to have an orgasm because let's face it, we know we can all achieve that on our own. I think what you are longing for is the sense of connection you used to have with your spouse. Rewarding and gratifying sex is part of a healthy and happy relationship; it is a not a stand-alone aspect of a relationship. Rather than having an affair, I recommend you get to the root of the problem. It sounds to me that the problem lies in the fact that you are no longer experiencing a meaningful relationship with your spouse. Ask yourself the following questions, and write down your answers. You may also want to consider these questions as well. Once you have reflected on the root of your behavior, you will be better prepared to speak with your husband.
10 Moment of Choice Questions (adapted from Debbie Ford's, The Right Questions)
- Am I standing in my power or am I trying to please another?
- Will this choice contribute to my health or detract from it?
- Will this choice bring me long-term fulfillment or will it bring me short-term gratification?
- Will this choice add to my life force or will it drain me of my energy?
- Will I use this choice as a catalyst to grow and learn, or will I use it to beat myself up?
- Does this choice empower me or does it dis-empower me?
- Is this an act of self-love or is it an act of self-sabotage?
- Is this an act of faith or is it an act of fear?
- Is this choice coming from my heart or from my ego?
- Will this choice propel me toward an inspiring future or will it keep me stuck in the past?
R.J, I wish you luck! The journey may be rough but your "looking before you leap" approach is one of the best things you could have done before you dive into the cheating world as there is much to lose and not a lot to gain.
Healthfully Yours!
Laura Lewis
Learn more about relationships at AOL Body.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
5-16-2008 @ 9:25AM
Marcie said...
If you want to be with someone else, you should seperate from your husband, first, at the least. Cheating is one of the most painful things you can do to a committed partner. I understand the disconnect that is going on - many many people go through this. I suggest you get some help for your marraige first. Good luck to you!
~Marcie Barnes
Co-Author, The Science of Cheating
http://thescienceofcheating.com
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5-17-2008 @ 8:37PM
Lisa said...
I have been talking online with another guy who's much younger than I am. He was someone I previously didn't like, but around Christmas time this last year, he started talking to me and it turns out we have much more in common than my husband and I ever have. I've been married for nearly 7 years and have been very unhappy for years. This guy I've been having this online relationship with is planning on moving to my town soon if things work out, and I want to divorce my husband. Not to rush off and move in with my "boyfriend", but because I no longer wish to be married. I have a 4 year old son, and want him to still have a relationship with his Daddy and all, but we just can't be married. Neither one of us are happy with the other.. there has been no sex in two years and I have absolutely no desire to have sex with him. I don't find him attractive and I wonder if I was ever in love in the first place. Something told me 7 years ago not to marry him, but I was in a strange town far from home and I guess felt there was no other option (young and stupid, you might say). I would like to move on and date and get to know better this other guy and we do believe we could have a future together. I hate that this makes me look like a bad person, but it's really in the best interest of everyone, even my son, who only ever sees us fighting. I want him to grow up having two happy parents, even if they have to be apart. But anyway, that's my story as of now.....
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5-17-2008 @ 9:55PM
tina said...
I have been divorced for over 13 years. I always said I would never have a affair with a married man. I am from the south and have lived in the south all of my life where interracial dating is taboo. I had a affair with this man (from a different race) for a year and a half. We both fell deeply in love with each other but he would not leave his wife. I never asked him to leave his wife but knew that I deserved to be with someone who could be free to be with me and not just when they could sneak away or in town working. I had to move to another state as he would not let me go. I had to cut all ties which was hard because he was my best friend. There is a saying that the grass is not always greener on the other side...but if people watered their grass more often than they wouldn't need to cross over. Even if you plan not to get emotionally involved, you will eventually...you can't give yourself to another over and over again and not get emotionally involved. Is it really worth not just hurting your spouse but is it worth breaking the hearts of your children???
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5-18-2008 @ 5:20AM
Bill said...
You should run and hide from your guy.
Anything at any time that creates a possible chance you may hurt your kids...get the hell out of it.
Reply
7-14-2008 @ 4:54AM
James said...
I was in a relationship for about 18 months we were married have a boy together right after we got married. This woman was my best friend I could talk to her about anything. While dealing with new marriage, new house, step kids, her horomones, and the baby's 2 heart surgeries. oh and losing the house we just purchanced. It had taken a toll on me. I wasnt able to talk to her, we werent having sex as much if at all, it was like she was pushing me away. I confronted her about it and she didnt have an answer. So I went outside the marriage with one of my good friends, we didnt have a relationship together, just sex a couple of times. I felt bad, we stopped, my wife knew something was going on. That is when she started paying me more attention but the wrong attention. I have apologized numerous times to her and done everything to make it work, she says she is hurt which I believe her. She doesnt want to be married to me, but dont want a divorce. We were doing much better until a couple of weeks ago when my friend called her and told her some stuff and lies also. The one thing that is sticking with her is that I brought my baby over her house to play with her son. I was wrong for that. She told her that she cooked for me, I told her she has not cooked for me. I was so upset that my friend would do that because she knew how I felt about my wife and knew we were working on things. She also told her I asked to marry her before I married my wife. Which was a lie I invited her to the wedding and baby shower. What she is refering to is over 1yr old nothing new. I have gotten conseling she stop going after that phone call.
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