Finessing fast food

You've been going strong with your healthy eating plan, but then -- from reasons unbeknownst even to you -- you suddenly find yourself in line at a fast food restaurant. Don't panic. Everything is going to be just fine.

As you make your way up to the counter, look confident. Don't show any signs to other customers or staff that you don't belong there. Just breathe normally and smile. You may be tempted to protect your cover by keeping things simple; that is, ordering by number. Resist this temptation. Instead, look the person at the counter in the eye and tell them that you'd like a grilled chicken sandwich. Plain. Ooooh ... what temerity. How dare you walk into their joint and order something plain. Well, you just did, and judging by the stone cold look on your face, they'll know not to question you. But then, just when they think you can't possibly turn their world any more upside-down, you're going to ask for a side of mustard. Since mayo and ketchup have a fair amount of either fat or sugar, you're going with the yellow stuff. Again, don't flinch or show any signs of disquietude.

Next, they'll probably ask you if you want a meal or just the sandwich. This is probably a test to see if you're the real deal or just some health narc working the fast food circuit. Look them dead in the eye and say, "Yeah, make it a meal. Only, I don't want fries. Give me a side salad." Now, at this point, don't be surprised if people start dialing friends and family on their cell phones, telling them that they think something's going down and that this may be the last time they ever speak with them. Good, now you have them scared.

Lastly, when they attempt to hand you a goldfish bowl-sized cup and tell you that the self-serve soda machine is around the corner, stridently place the cup on the counter and slide it back them. "No thanks," tell them. "I'll take the bottled water." Again, they may attempt to trick you into revealing your healthy motives by asking if you'd like a diet soda. Don't take that bait either. You know from reading That's Fit that diet soda has been linked to an increased risk of obesity, so you stay firm in your bottled water request.

With your meal now before you, it's then that you really do something that rocks their world. You open the packaging for the chicken sandwich and remove the top portion of the bun, since you know that doing so will cut down on the amount of fast-digesting carbs you'll consume. Just to really stick it to them, ask them if they want the top of the bun back. Of course they'll say no, pointing to health reasons for why they can't use the bun again. That's when you smile back at them coyly and say, "I don't really strike you as the type of person who cares too much about their health, do I?"