Are you a victim of adult bullying?

by Lauren Greschner (Subscribe to Lauren Greschner's posts)
Oct 14th 2007 8:34PM

Categories: Diet & Weight Loss, Motivation, Men's Health

Pretty much everyone was bullied at some point in their childhood. Whether it was by the dominant kid in a social group who never let anyone else decide what games to play, or the traditional big kid on the playground who terrorized every other child, chances are you've had to deal with some form of bullying when you were little.

Many of us think that all gets left behind when we grow up into confident adults, but unfortunately that's not always the case. Have you ever been to one of your kids' sports matches and seen another parent blow up at a referee? Or perhaps you're a part of the PTA and one of the other parents consistently refuses to listen to your suggestions or ignores you altogether? Maybe you dread going to work every day because a gossipy co-worker tries to belittle you with the information he or she spreads to your fellow workers?

According to this, all of the above constitute adult bullying. Even as a grown-up there are people who will try to boost their own confidence by intimidating others and trying to cut them down. If you think you may be a victim of adult bullying, take a look at the piece for suggestions on how to deal with it. If you know someone at work or in your social circle who is being picked on, stand up for them. Much like when with kids, a bully will often back down if they know that no one else is willing to stand for it.

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Comments (78)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 4)

tmmccandlish 10-16-2007 @ 6:57PM

Lauren, thank you for pointing this out. I am an author who has written a book about female bullying (relational aggression), and often, the people I talk to seem to think this subject only pertains to junior high or high school kids. My book, Flying Grounded: My Spiritual Triumph Over Female Bullying, deals primarily with my experiences in high school and college, but it also points out that this is something that is carried into the rest of our lives (our workplaces, social groups, churches, families, romantic relationships, etc.) if we don't educate ourselves about it and deal with it effectively.

If anyone is interested in Flying Grounded, go to www.iuniverse.com or call 1-800-AUTHORS.

tmmccandlish 10-15-2007 @ 5:48PM

DFG 10-16-2007 @ 9:36PM

It's funny that this should come up today. I am being bullied by my neighbors. They hate my cats and since we live with an association and the one neighbor is apart of it they have decided to use it to their advantage. When they began bullying me a separate neighbor saw ithappen andtold me they do it to people regularly and will try to get the entire neighborhood to turn on a single person.

Fortunately I caught them in a lie. I notified the property management company and also have my lawyer writing a letter asking for the assosciation to cease harassing me (Which they will have to pass on to the people making false accusations). The association finds them no longer credible and just trouble makers.

It is true though there is adult bullying and it is usually due to jealousy or just need to be dominant. It's funny because people would try to bully me (I have always exuded confidence even though I have my own issues) and I would just come back with something witty... I made it no fun for them and they would leave me be. When this adult bullying situation started I told my mother and she laughed and said... Man did they Mess with the wrong girl... And we both laughed...

Good Article though!!

spccowb 10-16-2007 @ 9:11PM

I was bullied at school and at home for the majority of my childhood. Luckily I grew up to be over 6 feet tall. Most of the bullying stopped when I got to be that size. However, some bullying did continue at school. It was just more subtle. I've had my fantasies of killing in a rage. But I was able to deal with that rage once I discovered music and started playing guitar and being in bands.
I moved out of my small town, because I could never be whom I wanted to be if I stayed there. I could see where the bullying would continue in its subtleties into adult hood. So I moved. It wasn't planned I just took off.
Because I did that, I have no career and very little family. My middle brother was the bully at home when I was a child. Now my oldest brother has started some form of brow beating about my life style that I can't abide and I've turned my back on him as well.
I could say that my life has been hugely affected by bullying. I no longer tolerate it in any form way shape or form. I make myself safe from it right away if I sense its presence. And I will not tolerate bullies bullying anyone when I'm present.
I'm, 57 and my eldest brother is 65. I realized recently that he's been bullying me for sometime. I just didn't see it, because I was blinded by my respect and admiration for him. But recently his Emails have come to contain some comment from him on personal subjects that are none of his business.
I'm bipolar. I'm unmedicated as I have no insurance to pay for the med. And these recent attacks have had an unbelievable depressive effect on me.
However, I'm a very strong and tough person and I carry on cheerfully the best I can.
Perhaps I've gone to far with this missive. But I do want to impress upon the reader with all the intensity I can muster that Bullying stands in the way of everything positive for all of us. Not even Gorillas bully each other. Pecking order's established and that's it. An Alpha gorilla bullies his brethren at great risk to himself.

Tiffany 10-16-2007 @ 9:28PM

I have been bullied by my much older sisters. my entire adult life. They are jealous of me because i'm" the baby.Even though I am a grown woman the nickname they call me behind my back is Princess. They dont take me serious and constantly belittle me about everything. They are very jealous because my husband and I like to travel so they think we are rich and that our parents give me money (which they dont ever). We have more money to spend than they do because we have decided not to have kids. I have had to completely cutmy sisters out of my life and now I am the black sheep with the rest of the family.

theresa 10-16-2007 @ 9:28PM

I work for a municipal fire department, under a superviser and department manager that are the epitomy of bullying. Rather than following city policy, and doing the right thing, the administration, right on up thru the Chief and city HR deny wrongdoing. Thank God for the EEOC. I have filed a charge of discrimination with the EEOC, and am embroiled in the grievence process through my union. I would just like to encourage everyone to contact anyone and everyone who will listen...pursue legislation...rattle cages, and stand up for what is right. Once you are victimized, it will not stop unless we fight back. It is scary, but what keeps me going is the knowledge that this isn't just for myself, but for my co-workers(current and future) as well. Bully's are like dogs, once they bite, they will keep biting. We can't let them.

Dingus McFeeley 10-16-2007 @ 9:57PM

You would have thought bullies would have learned something from Columbine. I guess it really does prove they're morons.

emmagrump 10-16-2007 @ 9:56PM

I can remember being the target of one particular bully in my youth. I ended this situation by punching him in the mouth in front of all his friends, and he never bothered me again, but these days, my actions would likely get me "whacked" the next day. Today, I am a senior citizen and I deal with bullies quite differently, using humor instead of my fists. The funniest thing, most bullies don't possess the intelligence to know when they become the butt of the joke. Bullies have always been around, and always will be. It is simply the nature of some individuals, and no amount of legislation will ever eliminate them. The trick lies in how to deal with them

Rachelle 10-16-2007 @ 10:19PM

I was bullied most of my life from childhood until I was an adult. I no longer allow people to bully me. I am a big woman with a big voice and most people think that I can fight my way out of anything. However, I probably couldn't fight my way out of a wet paper bag. I dont like to fight and I have found that words speak ALOT more than punches. I still have problems with everything. 1 negative comment can out weigh 5 positive comments. I was in college before I realized I wasn't stupid. I am now 34 and still hear those voices in my head telling me that I am fat, ugly, stupid, will never amount to anything, will never get married, all kinds of wonderful things. I try to block them out. I developed a mental disorder due to this and other things (the bullying I suffered turned violent in some cases) and take my meds everyday. To the person that said they cant afford their meds. I take $700 a month presciptions. I dont pay for them. I dont have insurance either. I went to the company that makes my medications and asked for help. They will help you. Good luck and God bless.

Kathleen R. Kennedy 10-16-2007 @ 10:58PM

The author of Flying Grounded, with which I am not familiar, mentions various venues to which bullying can carry over from high school and college. One of the venues mentioned is churches. This rings very true for me and confirms my belief that bullying is more alive and well and destructive of decent human lives the more partirchal the venue is.

Sarah 10-16-2007 @ 10:08PM

Great article--very appropriate. I once worked for a major insurance company under a horrible person who hated me just because she didn't get a job that my sister-in-law did. She made my life miserable. I used to cry Sunday nights because I had to face her on Monday. She had people listen to my phone calls, take notes on how many times I used the rest room, and how many times a week I was late getting back from lunch. I don't know how she did her own job, being that she was so concerned with mine. I never let her get the best of me, and I have always had the mantra, "What goes around, comes around." Now I would never wish harm on anyone, even though she was a terrible person. I found a better job within the company, and was much happier for it. Six months after I left the horrible boss, her husband died very suddenly, and she was left with two children. What goes around, comes around. God don't like ugly.

Karin 10-16-2007 @ 10:13PM

I worked for a food service company in southeast Fl. I was the only employee stuck with this overweight beast in the HR department. She was the biggest gossip in the place and we did not get along. She lied at every opportunity to save her own fat behind. She was at one time the head of this department but she and another stirred up some problems big enough to DEMOTE them so she was bitter. The vp of HR department was a viper with a smile and lied at every turn Satan does come disguised in sheeps clothing. He is sitting in the HR department of this company. Nepatism and bigotry run amuck there and woman are discriminated against, but those two smooth it over like icing on cake and upper Mgmt blinks it away, as does corporate. Talk about BIG BONUSES. There is a company that needs to start giving bonus to the guys that count and a $30,000 bonus for one spread out over a few is smart business...Not these guys and not as long as Satan wears a dress and sits in HR

Shirley 10-16-2007 @ 10:26PM

I worked for a physician and his office manager wife for 3 years. I was bullied, intimidated, watched, and demeaned. I learned that you have to stand up for yourself and your beliefs about what is right and wrong. Once a bully decides you are her next target, she will stop at nothing to destroy you. When she is done with you, she will spit you out just like that. I quit my job, pursued my case, and she is the loser. The bad thing is that she is still treating others just like she treated me. She is sick, very sick. Her physician husband just cowers and she bullies him too. I agree that what goes around comes around and she will get hers one day and hopefully so will he.

Shirley 10-16-2007 @ 11:02PM

Kathleen: My boss and his wife supposedly are "Christians", go to church on Sunday AM and PM,
Wed. night and he even teaches Bible study. They treat people like dirt, other physicians, nurses at the hospital, vendors and especially patients. How is it that they can live with themselves and treat others as they do?

JUDY 10-16-2007 @ 11:03PM

I HAVE BEEN PICKED ON AND BULLIED MOST OF MY LIFE.. IN GRADE SCHOOL...HIGH SCHOOL AND EVEN NOW!!! JEALOUS WOMEN, GUYS WITH BUGS UP THEIR A**SES AND THE USUAL JERK ONE ENCOUNTERS ON THE STREET. I WAS A CHILD MODEL ACTRESS AND WAS EARNING A LIVING WHEN MY CONTEMPORARIES WERE HOME WITH COLORING BOOKS AND CRAYONS.. SEXUALLY ABUSED AND THEN A CLASSMATE KILLED MY PET!!.. BY THE TIME I GOT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL I MADE AN OATH TO THE CRUCIFIX IN MY ROOM I WOULD NEVER EVER ALLOW ANYONE TO BELITTLE ME OR HURT ME AGAIN!! I BECAME A GROUPIE AND A SINGER IN A ROCK GROUP AND SORRY TO SAY MORE THAN A FEW TIMES I HAD TO GET PHYSICAL WITH PEOPLE.. I NEVER SHOW FEAR JUST SMART AWARENESS !! IF YOU ARE DEALING WITH A LUNATIC WITH A RAZOR BLADE OR GUN.. BEST NOT TO LOOK THEM IN THE EYES AND IGNORE THEM.. LASY DECEMBER WENT DOWN TO A SWANKY CLUB TO SEE SOME FRIENDS OF MINE IN A ROCK GROUP AND THIS NEANDERTHAL FRIEND OF THEIRS A GUY STARTED IN ON ME FOR THE ENTIRE NIGHT. I STOOD UP TO HIM AND ANSWERED HIM BACK.. NO CAME TO MY DEFENSE AND I GUESS YOU KNOW THESE SO CALLED FRIENDS OF MINE IN THIS BAND ARE NO LONGER MY FRIENDS!!! THIS GUY WAS INTIMIDATED AFTER MEETING ME SOMETIME BEFORE AND I GUESS THATS HOW HE DECIDED TO HANDLE IT!!! UPON LEAVING AFTER THE POLICE WERE CALLED BY A BYSTANDER I TURNED TO HIM AND TOLD HIM HE WAS LIVING PROOF OF RE-INCARNATION BECAUSE NO ONE COULD BE AS BIG AN A##HOLE AS HE IS IN ONE LIFETIME!! GOT THE LAST WORD IN.. BAND GOT IN BIG TROUBLE...PAYBACK REALLY IS THE BEST REVENGE!!! LOOKING BACK ON MY LIFE ITS REALLY SURPRISING I NEVER BECAME A DRUG ADDICT, CRIMINAL OR AN ALCOHOLIC!!! YEEESH!! PS TO ALL YOU BULLIES OUT THERE MALE AND FEMALE. DO NOT HATE ME BECAUSE I AM YOUNG LOOKING, INTELLIGENT OR PERCEIVED AS BEAUTIFUL OR HOT!!! WALK IN MY SHOES GO THROUGH WHAT I WENT THROUGH ..THEN LETS SEE!!! JUDY.

pj 10-17-2007 @ 2:07AM

I experienced bullying at a job I somehow managed to stay at for over 20 years. I had one bad boss after another, never knowing when one left if the replacement would be worse or not. I went to HR about it several times, and our direct manager. They NEVER did anything about it, but labelled me as the problem. I finally got wise and found another job. I now have a wonderful boss, and work with a great group of people. Sorry it took me so long to get wise and leave a toxic work environment.

Joan Federico 10-16-2007 @ 10:55PM

I'm married 55 years and have recently come to the conclusion that I've been "bullied" most of my married life.

Me 10-16-2007 @ 10:58PM

Great post about adult bullying. I had my life turned upside down in the work place and personally due to a viscious co worker. She accessed my email, because she was able to obtain my social security number at work, got my friends and family's email address and wrote them numerous things, spread lies about me at work that I was bisexual, and turned me in for doing things that myself and another co worker didnt do. We were reprimanded, but it continued, I was sent to conflict resolution with this individual, which to no avail, I was given the opportunity to tell her at that point that "I didnt like her" and wished that she would stay out of my life, and my business. things continued to escalate and the ultimate choice I had to do was to seek legal action on her, I have a restraining order on her now due to the various threats, verbal and in writing, she was found guilty of Harrassing me in court, but it still continued. Our employer basically allowed me to be harrassed due to the "sexual orientation" that was disclosed. I still work there, and I refuse to quit, I've worked hard to get where I am and I will not allow someone to manipulate me. I am not sure if there is any legal recourse that could be taken on my employer or not since I work for the government, but If I could I would.

bkwormsjv 10-16-2007 @ 11:06PM

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Our actions as adults tend to be the products of what we learned as children... If some child bullies never got the message that it's not okay, it makes sense that they would persist with that behavior as adults. It just becomes less easily recognizable, which makes it harder to stand up to it, and the stakes increase. But I agree with those posts which say that we still get to stand up to it. Especially since I don't see it spontaneously disappearing on its own.

lea 10-18-2007 @ 9:01PM

People who bully are antisocial. They have a chemical imbalance. Relational aggression is an exhibited form of antisocial behavior. There are lots of antisocial people. It is pervasive in society. Bullying takes varied forms. Stalkers and hackers are bullies. I don't believe that they are cognizant of their behavior. I was first bullied by some cheerleaders in middle school, of all things, and I was one. My best friend was a cheerleader with me, and protected me from all that. I grew up feeling inferior to others because of this experience. I became very rebellious to authority afterwards. I won't let anyone tell me what to do, because why trust that mentality. I think you need a hard shell, and soft underneath, to deal with bullies on an ongoing basis. It is possible. Ignore them, when you just don't want to deal with their parallel behavior. They are difficult to be around. Those cheerleaders did not do well after school. The nicer people will, invariably, get bullied more often. One way, is that you know how they are going to act, and react. They like to get reactions. Let them, just make sure you let them know that you are patronizing their ludicrous behavior. It usually stops. They get tired and go away. It is sad, but necessary. You only get one life. It isn't very long, when you think about how fast the last year went. Enjoy your life, and don't hate people who don't know what they are doing. Look at it like this. If they are antisocial, and most bullies are, they are mimicking normal behavior, which is evident by the negative/controlling/demeaning/parallel way they relate to others. In other words, they don't know how to relate. They don't have those emotions. They don't have empathy, love, compassion, or any of the wonderful traits we "normal" people do. It is really sad, but don't feel so sorry for them that you let yourself get caught up in their horrible existance. They will try and bring you down with them. They resent you for your happiness. Just look at their behavior in a different way, and you will get past it, I promise.