Two weeks ago before a ten mile run I posed the question of whether running made me a better mother. Well, ten (actually more than that, say sixteen) miles and a lot of hills later I am here to report on my findings.

I'd been worried about the increasing time away from my son spent doing self-centered things like running up hills to help me lose the baby weight and train me to run the marathon--a dream that was never really mine in the first place, but that fell into my lap via the lottery last year before I got pregnant (and won a lottery of a totally different kind!).

I'd been worried about all the emotions that came up when left with all that time to myself. My voice was the only one who answered me when all those awkward questions about what I was going to do with my life now that I was a mother, and needed to DO THE RIGHT THING came up, along with all the emotions of having to move on, to let go, to live. Well, there was my voice, the inner voice, but there was also the answer of the pavement.

I could hear my footfalls like a steady heartbeat--tap, tap, tap, tap. My feet lightly tapping the road as I gingerly made my way around the park. And again. And then a third time. Boy, that was a LOT of miles. After a while I stopped remembering which lap I was on--I was so caught up in my emotions I'd lost sight of the fact that I was getting sore and tired.

Physical pain--say, giving birth or running a marathon--I've realized is nothing compared to emotional pain. The former I can deal with no problem. It ends, one way or another. Emotional pain is different. It can overcome you. You can ignore it, bury it, deny it--but it will always be there. And it will haunt you.

Emotional pain, I realized, comes from within. It begs the mind and the body to address the needs of the heart and the soul. I realized this while running. I realized that you have to pay attention to everything within you in order to be a healthier, happier person.

Being with my son is what makes me happiest--really, it is. I love it more than running or eating Thai food or getting iced chais from Starbucks. I love it more than anything. That is one of the things that makes it so hard for me to send him to daycare--for me to separate from him at all.

A break is a good thing for both of us, though. And going back to work will bring in more money which we'll need for our little house we plan to buy to keep our sweet little baby in. I tell myself as I pound away at the pavement. I don't sound convincing, and the pavement agrees.

The longer I ran the more time I had to think about why I'm so upset about leaving my son and what I could do about it. I realized the following:

1. I have a choice. I am choosing to go back to work and to run and to do whatever it is I do without my son.

2. I am lucky to have a baby at all. There are women out there who would love to trade places with me and have only to suffer over such trivial things. Rather than cry over leaving him, I should rejoice that I have him to share with others.

3. As you may know from blogs of way past I had a miscarriage. It was difficult for me to even write about it for such a long time, and for a while I thought I'd never be able to have a child. To me, my son is magical, and I fear breaking that magical bond with him by leaving him at any point with anyone else.

4. My fear that he will be harmed is very real and not just a product of pregnancy hormones (yes, they're STILL there. STILL). It's a fear I have vocalized to my husband and that I need to vocalize to our daycare center. I am his protector, and I can still be that way from afar.

5. I don't like change. I'm used to being with him all the time and doing what we both want. Snarky but true.

Oh, the list goes on and on and on. The point of this article is not what I uncovered about myself on that run, but the fact that I was able to do so, while running. As I've mentioned before, running gives me clarity I wouldn't otherwise have. It gives me the chance to step--ok, trot--outside of the box.

When I'm finished with a run I feel empowered and clear-headed. I feel happy and in control. Most if not all of the questions I had have been answered. I can go back to my house and my son a better person. And I can deal with the emotional pain that rears up in me better than I was able to before I knew where it was coming from (and why).

So, even though I was away from my son for two hours on that run, and yes--it made me a better mother.