The healthy way to deal with rejection

Posted on Jul 19th 2007 10:59AM by Martha Edwards

It's a fact of life: we all have to deal with rejection at some point or another. Rejection is not just an emotional thing -- it's a physical feeling too, and studies show that the areas of the brain that are activated when one suffers from rejection are the same activated when an individual receives painful stimuli. And while it won't kill us, it still smarts. The health experts at CNN recommend the following when dealing with rejection:

Step back, and ask yourself if this rejection really matters in the grand scheme of things.
Don't dwell on it -- move forward and do your best to get over it
And yet, allow yourself to feel the emotions of rejection, which can be similar to grief. Just know when to pick yourself up and move on.

How did you deal with rejection?

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Tags: brain, emotion, grief, hurt, moving on, MovingOn, physical pain, PhysicalPain, rejection

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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

ALLEN ABRAMS 7-24-2007 @ 10:25AM

I HAVE BEEN DIVORCED FOR OVER 4 YEARS NOW. NOT MY CHOICE. I AM STILL AS FREAKED OUT ABOUT TODAY AS I WAS THE FIRST DAY. I CAN'T SEEM TO GET OVER IT. I AM CONSUMED WITH IT. I THINK ABOUT IT EVERYDAY. AND WANT TO EXPRESS MY ANGER TO MY EX. BUT NOTHING I DO OR SAY DOES SHE CARE ABOUT. IT WAS MY WHOLE LIFE THE ONLY LIFE I KNEW. AND I AM HAVING EXTREME DIFFICULTY IN DEALING WITH IT.

jean 7-24-2007 @ 10:20AM

I am still trying to understand what happened. I am a 10+year volunteer for my county doing Disabled Parking patrol to make sure these choice spaces are being used by the disabled. There are special license plates or placards that can be displayed by the users. Yesterday morning I was notified by the Sgt. in charge of vounteers that I needn't come into work until future notice. One of the people I issued a ticket to complained to him. I was not told what the complaint was or given any information to what the complainee. I was stunned, hurt and humiliated. I need help with how to handle and accept this unfair event. Any one out there who has any ideas? I truly am devistated. Thank you, Not Volenteering Anymore.

wendihk 7-24-2007 @ 10:20AM

I wouldn't put much thought into this jean. Chances are the person you cited is a friend of the sgt. or someone else they feel is "above" the law. I hate non-handicapped people that use those spots. Move on and volunteer somewhere that your efforts will be appreciated.

NoelF 7-24-2007 @ 10:36AM

Jean, You are right to feel bad for being told not to volunteer anymore after doing a great job. However, there are many, many other places to volunteer. Such as your local hospital;and no, you don't have to ever see bleeding patients. They will wlcome you with open arms. NF

Joy 7-24-2007 @ 10:19AM

Dear Jean,
Volunteers like you are what make communities work.The reason you took this rejection so hard is possibly that your work is a big part of who you are at this stage in life and your self esteem. Unfortunately volunteer work for law enforcement opens the agency up to public opinion but litigation as welll.Frequently when people are in the wrong and subject to large find, they argue loudly and reassign guilt in the wrong place. In public service squeaky wheels get oiled quickly. Privacy laws also prevent the agency from sharing the info. So keep volunteering find a new passion, there are priceless rewards in doing so

bmoore99 7-24-2007 @ 10:19AM

I also was recently discharged from a volunteer position, after being told how valuable my contributions were and how much my work was appreciated. The simple fact is that I exercised my rights as a citizen to protest a development in my area and that was politically incorrect. The ticketed offender was probably a friend of the sargeant or is someone who has political pull in your community. The sad fact of American life is that politics rules our lives.

Crabby McSlacker 7-24-2007 @ 10:24AM

Sounds like the advice of the experts boils down to "get over it!"

If we can get our emotions out of the way, and someone is willing to give us feedback on the reason for the rejection, sometimes there's an excellent opportunity to figure out ways we can improve ourselves.

I personally prefer to get hurt and angry and blame everyone else but me!

There was a (stupid) study on "unfair treatment" which seemed to suggest it can cause heart attacks:

http://crankyfitness.blogspot.com/2007/05/unfair-treatment-causes-heart-attacks.html

trish73 7-24-2007 @ 10:53AM

I think, I have had the worst rejection, of all. I have 4 grown daughters, who will not speak to me, And hasn't for about the last year, and half. After I sold my home, with urging from them, and moved in, with one of them, I added an addition to the home, as per, she, and her husband. After the room was finished, 3 months later, she told me to get out. The rest of them, sided with her. I fell, late at night, and broke 4 ribs, and punctured my lung. I was in the hospital for onver a month, and another daughter, came to get me, she wouldn't take me to her home, I don't know why. All of a sudden, they all turned on me. The one that threw me out, is a pathological liar, and she has always, been into arguements, with some member of this family. she makes up stories, about everyone. I believe that's what she did to me. I just found out, my granddaughter had two abortions, her parents, wouldn't tell me about. But, her parents let her live in the house, with her boyfriend. I spoke my piece, about that arrangement, but, nothing was done. I believe this is why, I have been ostracized, being a Catholic, and regardless, I don't believe in baby murder, (abortions) But, with all this, I am a widow, and have noone, except one of my granddaughters, who lives with me, with her baby.I am very lonely, and if, I try calling, they don't answer the phone. I am a widow, and my life revolved around my family for all these years. I am now, 73 years old, and have a heart condition.

tina 7-24-2007 @ 11:03AM

Jean,
Personally I think they are the one's losing out on a good person. That's too bad for them. Get over it, don't dwell on it. Just keep in mind that they are not worried about how you are feeling. You did your good deed. One way shape or form, you are gonna get paid back. Things like this that happens have some people, thinking why even bother helping others for. I too at one time had something happen to me. I now rather work w/deceased. For example cemeteries, funeral homes, that kind of thing. Or w/animals, kennels, or grooming places. But I refuse to work w/people. I did more than was supposed to for this blind couple, then to have them tell social worker, that I was late, didn't cook, and other things. But they failed to mention how days off I take them to the stores, I took them to doctors appointments and stood w/ them, that wasn't part of my job. But this was a couple that they did everything together. When I told them why didnt they mention to social worker about how I did things on days off and when shopping would take 4 hours, stuff like that. The husband had the nerve to tell me, the social worker never asked them. I walked out, right there and then. This was back in 1998. Upto this day I will not work w/people. I hope this helps a little. I was mad, but then I realized I didn't do anything wrong. There loss not mine. Take care.

Sherri 7-24-2007 @ 10:54AM

Dear Trish73,
I think you are right. That has got to be one of the cruelest rejection stories I have ever heard. This really does matter in the grand scheme of things. I was also cruelly rejected by my mother and brothers but I still have my husband and children. The best advice I got was from my husband. He said to stop chasing them. If they want to come back to you, they will. Hard as it is to hear, you must accept reality. They kicked you out of their lives. Now, you have to find new friends and make a life for yourself. You want to be healthy, happy and not too needy. I think it is the neediness that sets this whole thing in motion. They believe that you will always be there and will come back whenever they want or need you. You have to resist that. If they ever want you back--make them work for it. Don't be too available. If they don't, then to hell with them.

NoelF 7-24-2007 @ 10:54AM

Allen Abrams:
She took your dignity, not your life. Practice being happy and upbeat. List everything that you have to be thankful for.... Nobody wants to be around a sad complainer. My wife divorced me 17 years ago (not my choice). I've been married now for 12 years to someone younger, prettier, more intelligent and richer. It can happen, but it depends on you, God, and how you learn from your experiences. NF

Anne 7-24-2007 @ 10:57AM

Many yrs ago I spent months becoming certified in a specialized field of nursing. I applied for a job I was completely qualified for but the person hired was one of the ''good old girls''. I left my position with the university hospital shortly afterward, and had a 20 yr career in public health, which never would've happened if I'd taken the other job. ''God never closes a door but opens a window''-rejection, to me, just means try something else!

aliens are taking over the world! 7-24-2007 @ 10:57AM

Trish, a lie, no matter how horrible wouldnt have turned your other daughters from you.
people generally want to stick up for the underdog (that you are portraying yourself as) and women especially want to win approval of their mothers.
if it was just your one daughter kicking you out, the others would have jumped at the opportunity to show mommy they are the best.
But what most likely happened is they already learned their lesson about the psycho mommy, and the daughter that took you in was the last naive one. But it seems that she learned the lesson pretty fast as well.
You probably just never learned how to mind your own business and not be hurtful (i am sure the 2 abortions already made your granddaughter feel bad - she didn't need you spouting your crap and passing your judgement).
They don't answer your calls probably because the only time you call is if you need something, and just leave your family feeling emotionally drained after talking to you.

CHRISTINE 7-24-2007 @ 11:37AM

I completely understand how trish73 feels. i am a 41 year old single mom. i have been the outcast in my family ever since i was about 9 or 10 id say. i told my mother something that my stepfather did to me and it was all down hill from there. i was treated differently from not only my mother and my brothers and sisters but from all my aunts, uncles, cousins. my kids and i were never invited to any family functions, birthday parties,...nothing ever. the last time i saw anyone was at my stepfathers funeral in dec. Before that it was 1995 at my grandmothers funeral. Like trish73 there is one aunt who is nothing but a liar and fabricates stories about me. but in the end i feel sorr y for my kids. they never did anything to anyone

Liz H. 7-24-2007 @ 1:38PM

Dear Jean,
I can only imagine the pain and confusion over this. It just seems so unfair. I am trying to put myself in your shoes and come up with some helpful advice. Have you asked any of the voulunteers if they have heard a reason why this happened? Maybe your not the type to do that, in doing so is almost like gossiping.
Have you tried going directly to the supervisor and asking why? After 10 years, they do owe you some sort of explanation...not that you will get it.
Until you know, which the fact is you may never know, this will be a question on your mind for the rest of your life.
I do agree with the other posts that you should find another way to voulunteer your time. You seem like a caring person who likes the responsibility of helping others. That is a GREAT atribute, one you should not keep to yourself. Please find another way to use your time somewhere you would feel appriciated.
Please keep us posted, you have my interest in how this turns out ;)
Sincerely
Liz H.

aeries 7-24-2007 @ 11:46AM

Never get close to people. The stench may be toxic. Reject right back, double, triple, and reject first. Key on that last word. First.

Keith Boswell 7-27-2007 @ 12:38PM

Rejection is part of life. How you handle it is an opportunity to grow. Find new people and things to interest YOU. You have a life. Remember "things" happen for a reason! Please move on!!! I wish you well.

jeff 7-24-2007 @ 11:46AM

Allen about the divorce.. read a book called "feel the fear and do it anyway" it will change your life. sounds like you made your spouse your whole life so when she left your precieved life came to a screeching halt im telling you read this book a very similar thing happen to me and it helped in a huge way

MacKay 7-24-2007 @ 11:46AM

Rejection, in any way or form, is generally a good thing. It gives us the opportunity to go out and find a better situation, a better person, or a better deal that is more suitable. However, this does not mean that there isn't any pain or disappointment or unmet expectations. But, how many times do we actually have expectations that are unrealistic? Regardless, rejection is a good thing. Better that you find out that it isn't working out now than 3 months, or even 3 years, down the road.

DearPammyBrown 7-24-2007 @ 5:24PM

When I was going through difficulty in my life and was rejected by others. The Lord gave me this motto.

OPTIONS:
"Operate Pass The Influence Of Negative Situations"
Pamela Brown-Ulasi