The shy person's guide to holiday socializing

by Martha Edwards (Subscribe to Martha Edwards's posts)
Nov 28th 2006 2:47PM

One of my favorite things about the holidays is the endless array of parties and family get-togethers. I love chatting and socializing and seeing people I might not see much during the year. But for someone who is really shy, these parties and gatherings are something to be feared, and they only add to the stress of the season.

But there is help for shy people during the holidays. According to this, a little preparation can help someone who gets anxious over social interaction find things to talk about with others. It doesn't always have to be stressful to socialize, and it's important to see parties as fun and not painful.

The only way to get over being shy is to force yourself to get out and mingle. I know from experience -- I used to be painfully shy. But nowadays people are quite surprised when I insist that I am actually a shy person. They don't believe me, because I've spent a lot of time forcing myself to make small talk and now I am used to it. If you're shy, I would recommend doing what I did. And trust me, it does get easier to face people over time.

Source

Comments (86)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 5)

kathleen b. 11-28-2006 @ 5:26PM

Shyness may have nothing to do with it, refusing attendance at parties can be a sign that the person has no desire for small talk or for seeing their friends/coworkers inebriated. If you want to celebrate the season, go out and view the lighted houses or attend local holiday events such as craft fairs. Find something positive instead of partying and gossiping about others

MC 12-01-2006 @ 9:46AM

Telling a shy person to go out and mingle is like telling a fat person to lose weight. They know they should; tell us HOW! My trouble is finding things to talk about with the person, especially someone I don't see very often.

Dana 12-01-2006 @ 9:46AM

Kathleen, it sounds like you have some issues! Not all people talk about others, or attend social gatherings for that purpose or to get inebriated. While I love to look at the lights, you shouldn't feel you have to cut yourself off from social functions! Enjoy your holidays!

Donna 12-01-2006 @ 9:47AM

Being that I myself a shy person I understand the thought of go out and just "Do it", that's all well and good, but again it's not an easy thing to do. It more depends of the group of people you have to be around, I used to work for a company where I took part in the of orientation the new staff, that was a piece of cake I knew what I had to tell them and how long it took, I didnt feel like I was being judged, but being around family members that are very judgemenal, is equal to a trip to the dentist hearing root canel with no Novocain, in the buff on Years Eve in time Square! Small talk is an art form so to speak, knowing what to talk about and when to shut up is priceless, I have to say I have not mastered either one of these skills. Any useful tips ??

Sheila 12-01-2006 @ 9:47AM

useless!

John 12-01-2006 @ 8:22AM

I find small talk to be extremely exhausting. I can't stand it and the very thought of 'mingling' is totally foreign to me. Everyone has different energy and actually shy people are needed in the world to balance out all the brash, Type A people. I am more comfortable in my shy skin than I would be trying to learn to NOT be shy. For those people who want to be less shy, I wish them a lot of luck...I see no reason why it can't be done. But this is WHO I AM and I've come to accept myself this way.

DONNA 12-01-2006 @ 8:28AM

I WAS PAINFULLY SHY BUT LIKED PEOPLE SO I TAUGHT MYSELF THAT I DO NOT HAVE TO SPEAK FIRST BUT WHEN SPOKEN TO ALWAYS ANSWER IN A FULL SENTENCE WHICH THE OTHER PERSON REPSONDS TO AND THAN CAN LEAD INTO A FULL CONVERSATION. DO NOT ANSWER IN ONE WORD ANSWERS, ALWAYS GO BEYOND THAT AND IT PULLS THE OTHER PERSON INTO TALKING TO YOU BACK AGAIN WHICH AGIAN YOU RESPOND AND ON AND ON. THIS BROKE MY SHYNESS QUITE A BIT

Kathy 12-01-2006 @ 8:47AM

Being a shy person myself, I know that the best way to get over it is to get out and "do it"! The problem is that it isn't an easy thing to do. This article would have been more helpful if it had made some recommendations or suggestions as to HOW to do that. Samples of what to say to someone you barely know would have been nice...

emilie laird 12-01-2006 @ 9:02AM

The simplest way to get over social phobia is to focus on who and what is around you, rather than what is going on in your own head...i.e., "Am I making a fool of myself? Do they like me? Am I dressed right? What am I supposed to be doing now?" These thoughts all induce further anxiety, which can spiral into real panic. Instead, use your eyes and ears; pretend you're going to give an account of the party to someone else afterwards. I work with social phobics as a psychologist, and am shy myself, and this really works. In conversation, ask lots of questions...people love to talk about themselves! A good one is "What do you do for fun?" and go from there. Remember that nobody is as conscious of you as you are; a number of them are no doubt having the same problems. Try to find a topic of mutual interest with someone and explore that. In other words, put the focus on others, NOT on you. The more you practice this, the easier it becomes. Think ahead of time about a list of simple questions...about someone's family, interests, work, travel, whatever, and use them. You will soon be taking in information instead of playing the same old loop of self-doubt in your mind. One, possibly two, drinks, may help you relax, but know your tolerance level and don't exceed it. Practice using your ears and eyes in other situations; it puts the focus in the right place and will make it easier to do when you're anxious. Ask yourself, "Who do I like, and why?" and similar questions...try to remember that no one is judging you the way you are; you're being your own worst enemy. Look into people's eyes instead of down or around the room when talking to them; it makes a connection much easier, but takes practice. Start with the people you feel most comfortable with and gradually expand outward as you gain confidence. You CAN do it!

lori 12-01-2006 @ 9:38AM

please, sstopp say " I am shy"...just take that stupid label out of your vocabulary...right there will you begin being more socially confident, and more fun to be around...shy is a bad name given to kids by cruel parents, and the kid's behavior becomes as labeled...
just get over it, and grow up, be an interesting person, and remember, It's not ALL about YOU and your duh duh....
also, don't say "myself", say Me when you write about yourself..
never say "shy", and quit thinking in those loser terms...Lori

lori 12-01-2006 @ 3:39PM

are you over yourselves yet?

evelyn 12-01-2006 @ 9:12AM

What about those of us who aren't Christian and don't celebrate Christmas. Whether we are shy or not we have cashiers, bank tellers, wait people, mechanics, teachers, car sales people and more tell us to 'have a Merry Christmas' - 'hope Santa brings you what you want' or that sort of thing. Our federal banks have Christmas decorations all over the place, our workplaces have Christmas parties. For those of us who don't commemorate the birth of Jesus or Santa Claus, we are expected to participate in endless mini-conversations the entire month of December with complete strangers about a day we don't celebrate. What does anyone suggest that I say to all the people who ask me if I'm 'done with my shopping yet?"... right now I just smile and say 'Have a nice day'.

mary 12-01-2006 @ 9:20AM

Wonder if the shy persons are afraid of rejection? If that's the case, they should reassure themselves that the person who rejects a genuine offer of friendliness is the person who has the problem. It is quite admirable that the shy person wants to offer pleasantries, and any person who is callous enough to reject that is not worth talking to. Tell yourself THAT if someone refuses to be friendly. Also, name over to yourself all the wonderful things that are part of you. Remember, you have a lot to offer. Have a serendipity day. mary

Tina 12-01-2006 @ 11:30AM

I too am shy and very comfortable in my shy skin. I think shyness bothers the extroverts more than the introverts which is what causes shy folks so many problems. People feel a need to point out quietness; I don't know why. Nonetheless, small talk can be made if one wants to. I find asking people questions about themselves(not intrusive questions) works for me. My questions are general-likes and dislikes of food or TV shows, how relatives are doing, do they have any pets and things along those lines. If a conversation fizzles out, it fizzles out. I try not to take it personally. Good luck, fellow shy folks.

Mark B 12-01-2006 @ 9:32AM

What usually works for me is to ask a question, especially a question that focuses on the other person's area of expertise. It could be as simple, however, as "Where did you find such a creative outfit?" The spotlight is off me and I can usually muster a few interested nods, etc. Sometimes a friendship is born

Thia Liam 12-04-2006 @ 10:03AM

First--as one of the excruciatingly shy AND ON [AND to some overbearing] type--- my hunch is that the shyness, to the high degree I can feel it, gets me into trouble on the 'outgoing' [as many call it] end of the spectrum.

I'll tell my tale of working with my shyness. This begins at home, at bed first thing when I wake up in the morning. At night as I fall asleep--wherever it works for me. I have a few consistant scenarios where I do this. This has to happen when i'm alone for it to happen when I'm with other people.

I imagine myself as a little universe unto myself. There is an entire world of a being in there and I am the one whose issues I have the ability to work with. I tune up my awareness of my self--my body the skin I'm in, the things that touch me, the sheets and blanket edges, the sounds of the bird outside, the metal and water sounds of our hot water radiators, the sock on my foot, the rough callous on my heel where it contacts the sock. How the acrylic sock today feels different from the wool sock yesterday. Always breathing, always giving myself the patience to find the quiet and the safety I need to feel okay doing this. Coming back, coming back, coming back to this, whenever my thoughts stray or I have thoughts like I'm not doing this well.

Yes--this is probably meditation! What was so powerful for me--THIS TIME-- I instigated my doing this--I made it up--

This is my gift to myslf. Getting to where I can accept this gift and others to myself is delicious food to my venturing forth in the swirl of people, who may already know each other or not, whose social matrix I may be oblivious to. I walk into a woods I do not know and I can only stay out of the poison ivy if I know where my feet are, if I watch my legs relative to the thin low bare grey sticks which poke up into the space along the old path now that it's Winter. Only my ears will tell me what I hear in the bird frittering by in the space above and past my head. My nose will lead my closer to or further from the little bonfire in the neighboring household's backyard depending I guess on what I smell burning there and what my intent and interest is.

It is truly my feet, my legs, my exerting heart, my hands chilled around the edges and scruffing into my sleeve, my nose, my hungering mouth when I've been out long enough to think to turn back for some lunch.

People are in ways more complex than a walk in the woods alone. Visiting my universe, acknowledging it, taking refuge there, giving me to me, is the best little armor, castle, steed, ride, spacesuit, wind-stopper I know, for sallying forth into people country. If I bring that with me on my adventure, I'm safe, I've prepared. Anyone embarking on an adventure that feels scarey probably wants to suss out the equipment they need-- and gets to know what they've got really well. Doesn't security come from knowing you can count on something? Count on yourself!

Thia Liam 12-01-2006 @ 10:06AM

Paul 12-01-2006 @ 10:00AM

It's like anything else, if one want to overcome shyness one must put oneself in situations where you must talk to people. It is as if one wants to quit smoking, which I have done, the only way yo do it is, just stop smoking, I know people say it easy to say, but if one wants to do something one just has to do it. To use something I read in a book by a Navy SEAL, talking about training and the mission, you don't have to like it, you just have to do it.

Beth Olson 12-01-2006 @ 10:12AM

There is some helpful information in this article, but some I don't agree with. My husband and I have always been shy. One of our kids has social anxiety disorder, and the other struggles with selective mutism (INABILITY - not stubbornness- to speak in certain social situations.) Our hearts are just fine - we do care about and for other people and desire friends. We tend to have fewer, but deeper friendships and find small talk to be boring and unfulfilling. If you have to endure a holiday party, I agree that reading the newspaper and being current on popular topics is helpful.

Mark 12-01-2006 @ 10:13AM

Having fought shyness my entire life, I rankle when someone says "just do it" to break out of who I am. This topic always seems to come up around the holidays, but for those of us who are shy, I can assure you, it looms large in our daily lives. As a child in school, I remember standing under a tree at recess and watching others play. In high school, I finally found a girl friend, but would never dance (and still don't)!! In college, I always sat in the rear of the room. In business, I found success in sales and management, continually fighting through shyness which was literally a daily battle. I married to a wonderful woman who understands who I am and how I struggle with being shy. Now, after losing my job to downsizing for the second time in five years, I find myself battling shyness again to "network" or, "cold call", on strangers who might hold the key to employment as I try to find a way to wind down the last few years of my business career. It doesn't get any easier as you get older. You might say this is all a result of choices, but unless you are shy you just don't know how difficult it is to deal with some situations, holidays or not.